when my friend sent me the link today, i was all set to make fun of “Re-evaluation Counseling” based on the name alone since it sounds so ESTy/Forumy. but after actually looking at the site i realized it’s also called Co-counseling, a modality of peer listening/therapy that a friend of mine used to do in Seattle.
it’s all stuff i’ve heard before but still need to really get. i found a couple of killer bits on this site that are speaking pretty directly to some stuff i’m grappling with.
some of it is almost hard to read it’s so painfully right-on:
“When we are confronted by a new experience that is similar enough to the recorded distress experience we are compulsively forced to meet it with an attempted re-enactment of the old distress experience.”
and:
“Shaming and blaming are unworkable, irrational, and completely unproductive concepts that only arise out of distress recordings which exist, either individually or in the culture. Punishment, criticism, blame, or reproach as a response to a mistake, or to irresponsible or irrational attitudes or actions is never called for, never justified, and never effective. The person who blames someone else is in fact adopting a powerless position for himself or herself. This is damaging to both the blamer and the blamed.”
innntense stuff. and as my friend pointed out, kind of absolutist. and a bit jargon-y. but it feels really really true. so why are we so hard-wired to want to blame when we’re in pain? especially since it really doesn’t ever get us what we want, which is almost always love?
it’s a buggy little site, but it’s where i got all this from.
has anyone reading tried RC or co-counseling? cult? helpful? both?
4 Comments
I’ve spent years in RC, though I’m not actively involved now. Like any organization, it has its idiosyncracies and sometimes problems. But I do think the insights and practices one can find in RC are amazingly helpful. They’ve done a lot for my emotional health and my parenting skills.
The exact quote you gave above, about shaming and blaming, was on my cubicle wall for a year or more. I had gotten into a bad dynamic in working with others, where I felt entitled to a certain level of service and tended to place blame when I didn’t get it. My boss called me on it, which stung. But on careful consideration, I decided he was right. I should have been treating my coworkers with more humanity, and my blaming them wasn’t helping anyone. Just one example of where RC (and my boss) had some useful things to say.
A friend of mine did co-counseling in Seattle and also in Columbus, OH for several years. From what I could gather, it can be great if the group you’re working with is mature and willing to confront uncomfortable feelings and situations. At the same time, when he told me about it, it seemed to me that many of the experiences he had were focused exclusively on the feelings being had and not much at all on what actions could be taken to not repeat similar destructive behaviors.
Isn’t that always what is hardest, though? Having an aversion response is organic to how we evolved. For example — I went into that cave, got attacked by a bear. Don’t want to go into any caves anymore, no matter how cold it is outside.
I lived in a really long blame/shame relationship in my 20s. The thing that clicked for me (after a lot of 12 step meetings) was that as long as I can identify what I’m afraid of in any given situation, I can take responsibility for the action that comes next. Once I’ve taken charge of that, my desire to blame someone else for what I’ve done wrong disappears.
Sending hugs from MN.
Quote #1 above is still really profound for me, and quote #2 is still really painful to even read. Which, I think, means there’s something deep to learn from it. So, even though I kind of want to run away I”m also looking forward to learning more.
1) a tough one for me–i’d really rather live in the right-now, but those recollections of “ouch” seem not to want to be denied;
2) couple years ago i found out that nothing is wrong and nothing is right, and something miraculous happened–blame flew right out the window.
l,
b