9/11 gratitude

i am grateful for:

1) being on a porch in massachusetts, looking at clear blue sky, green, lit leaves, lush grass, and fresh cedar planks

2) being out of a cubicle

3) surviving that day, which looked an awful lot like this one

4) knowing that the consequences of that day probably largely contributed to my getting cancer. it makes me feel connected. ok, it also pisses me off dearly. but the more i trust in some divine structure, the more it is all perfectly ok, perfectly out of my hands, the world is perfectly there for me to marvel at in its wild, raw, horrific, gorgeous complexity.

5) lizie, denise, paula, and michele. now angels, re-embodied, truth-holders, who knows? but i think of you ladies every year and it makes my brain twist and heart ache. rose blessings to all that you are and were.

6) remembering. the dust, the masks, the smell, the kindness. no matter how horrible something is, memory makes it something sweet, if bitter. i remember and it is mine. i am connected to the world, woven, twined, beating, breathing, inspiring, expiring.

7) azure sky

8) feeling depressed and being part of the world anyway. and hating myself a little less each time i remember that i don’t have to be shiny to love and be loved.

9) talking to a rad integrative m.d. today who said, “it’s a cliché at this point to say that depression is just anger turned inside out. but it is!” which makes me wonder what i’m so damn angry about because i don’t feel especially angry. but maybe it’s just a result of living amongst injustice and indignity and inhumanity, in the midst of a culture that prizes having over being, and inflames our desires and deepest yearnings to profit from them. yeah, that might piss me off a little bit. but what to do with that kind of non-specific rage at time and place and “them”? windmill, anyone? there might be healing in any kind of tilting at all. i prefer dancing. to my m.c. yogi pandora station.

10) mini ice cream sundaes

11) will, the almost 2-year-old who has a watering can, loves tractors, boats, spoons, and running. in baby carhartt overalls, no less.

12) my dear a. who is getting married for all the good reasons: “to publicly acknowledge what we already know.”

13) b.’s consistent love and patience and presence and fun and willingness to laugh at all the best lines in the seventh season of gilmore girls. and his bravery in exploring off the grid.

14) a life un-mapped

15) treeeees

xo