The same day I had my second-to-last chemotherapy treatment I got word that I was cancer-free. The PET scan showed nada. That was four years ago tomorrow. So that makes February 10 my fourth cancer-free-aversary. Here’s the post I blogged that day: 
That’s a whole gratitude list right there. But why stop there? Here are some cancer-related things I am grateful for. Things that surface when I think about that time and the healing thread since–along with the nausea and the lump in my throat that feels like tears and a whoop and a puke all at once.
ANYWAY. Blar.
10 Things I’m Grateful for, Cancer Edition ™
1) That my hair grew back exactly as it was
2) That my lady-time returned and the hot flashes ceased and I seem to have resumed my egg-dropping
3) My beautiful chemo buddies and C. for orchestrating them all
4) Avantika the amazing chemo- and wise words-dispenser nurse
5) My big beautiful bear of a Dr. Z.
6) T.
7) That people’s suffering scares me a little less now
8) That something is different in me, though I don’t know exactly what it is or how to describe it. A knowing? A “cracks are where the light gets in” sort of thing?
9) That all of these words feel totally inadequate. It’s like a secret I can’t share because I can’t say it or write it. Occasionally it will pass through eye contact, a knowing with someone who also knows. This is a good thing. Especially for someone comfortable talking about her ovulation patterns on the internet (see #2).
10) My parents
11) Mary and God and my guides and angels, who, in my stiller moments, I realize turbo-boosted me. And are still at my service, in a way. And that I can say that now even though I’m a little afraid it will make you write me off or like me less.
12) The healthy veins in my hands
13) How it reminded me of the amazing love I have in my life, a net of support that continues to blow me away
14) Having three months “off,” even if I was vomiting and questioning my mortality and losing my hair and having hot flashes and taking 9,000 prescriptions, most of them no fun at all
15) Discovering that I’m a person who, in the midst of all that kind of crap still cracks bad jokes.
16) Getting to meet M., the coolest survivor ever
17) Watching from a distance the amazing Matthew Zachary build I’m Too Young for This
18) Being part of a community of survivors I don’t really know and haven’t really tapped into yet. But I like knowing they’re there.
19) Being able to pass along getting-through-chemo-happier tips
20) Oh. And: Health. Feeling good enough to complain. Feeling good enough to lose perspective. Maybe that’s it right there. The thing I’m most grateful to cancer for is… it’s not that normal suffering doesn’t seem that bad. Or that I’m grateful for every moment. But it’s like when I got a yellow rain slicker in fifth grade and felt like every other kid. See? Inadequate. But thanks for hanging in there. Still smoodging all this stuff out. Love.
