Normal Feels Shitty
Hi Kids,
It’s been much too long. But I guess when the cancer stuff kind of faded, the blog kind of lost its tension (aka, just felt like random whining). Or at least a tension that I can write about in public. I’m having an unschedule PET scan tomorrow, though, and for the moment at least, the tension has returned.
Everything is fine, technically. I even have a little green flag next to my name in the Memorial Sloan Kettering database. A sea of red flags, I could see from across the room, and a handful of green ones. This means all my counts are back to normal–white blood cells, red blood cells, iron level, liver counts, everything. So it’s weird that I feel like absolute crap. Tired, achey, stressed, cranky, teary, your basic disaster. But it’s the return of the mystery back pain that has me most concerned and my doctor a little concerned. So tomorrow more electric koolaid (or raspberry Crystal Lite spiked with radiation if you please) and another scan. Uhg. And I have to go alone because T just started a great new job today (go T!) and everyone else in my life also suddenly seems to have normal working hours. Blech.
Anyway, hopefully the PET scan people aren’t too terrible–don’t get me started, ok, I am– most of the hospital is exceedingly nice, seems to keep in mind that cancer isn’t made more fun by rudeness, but the area where you go to get scans? Oh my lord. It’s like the freaking DMV down there. “NO! This is NOT where you wait.” “Um, I’ve been waiting here for the last eight scans. Can you just tell me where I should go?” “You did not wait here before.” And so on. And blaring CNN from the fancy new plasma hanging on the new woven wallpaper. With literally, raging fires and wars and bombs. When I asked the desk person if she could turn down this mayhem, she said “No. People are watching it.” If by watching you mean staring into space vacantly while they contemplate new evidence of their potential demise–made worse by watching destructive, violent images–then yes, they are. Stupid Scan Desk Fuckers.
Anyway. I got a really nice note today from someone who read my blog asking for more posts, which was insanely nice and comforting and de-isolating. And affirming. I feel like anything but a writer these days. And stressed and scared and scared that stress is causing my cells to freak which makes me freak even more, etc.
But this weekend T and I had a lovely time on Fire Island in the storm, post-storm, and sunny weather. Very cozy and sweet and basically relaxing.
Kisses and love and the like for whoever might still be checking this from time to time.
