can we get a witness?
I did a spiritual podcasty thing yesterday with a couple of great women songwriters/podcasters. It was very cool. They had printed out pages from this site, highlighted things with yellow markers. We talked about the spiritual implications of 9/11, cancer, recovery, Maui, etc. It was nice to hash out some of the things I obsess about (do we really “cause” our own illnesses?) with others who had thought about things in similar ways. Besides that and the obvious fun of having two people interested in me, me, me, it felt like good, gentle practice at doing this stuff a lot. (I’ll keep you posted on details about who did it and when it comes out.) Which is the eventual plan. Work at new job (also to be revealed TK), write proposal in my free time, work at job more and more and more, work on book also, get published, and go on talk shows. Right?
It’s cold as cold here, but at least my east-facing window is getting some serious sun. Think I’ll finally buy my bike today. After blogging for pay.
I’m feeling pretty run down lately. But my life has been in tumult for a while now. Though of course I’m wondering, what’s up with that? Is it the repeated CT and PET chemicals accumulating, leftover chemo tiredness (is that possible?), or am I just not sleeping enough? The scariest option (that it’s baaaack) can pretty much be ruled out because of my latest, most pretty tests. Right?
So this is how life is going to be different. Friday is the one-year anniversary of my last chemo treatment. I can’t fathom that it’s been a year and I can’t believe it’s only been a year. But is this the change that’s happened? Forever will extreme tiredness not just be a reason to get some sleep and exercise? God that’s annoying. And weirdly innocence-revoking.
Today I feel like, Can I get a witness? I have no idea what that means. But what it might mean is, can I get someone to look at my to do list and see all that I’ve been going through––relationship-wise, illnesswise, work/career-wise––and let me know that it’s okay to be tired, that it’s okay to have put on a few pounds, that it’s okay that all I want to do today is crawl back into flannel heaven? Can my weariness get a witness? Can the cancer get a witness? Can the Olympic girls who sucked last night on the ice get a witness? Because today is probably the worst day of their lives. Unless they’ve learned, as Irena Slutskaya said last night to the world, “there is life after skating.”
