I’m on a deck, trees a-shiftin’, kids cracking bats, birds squawking. I just rinsed the ocean and sand off in the outdoor shower and I can say that I could easily stay here for a very very long time. And wireless connectivity to boot. Fire Island is sooo very carless and cool.
I’m on vacation this week, decompressing, filling up with the sound of the ocean and sight of the frothy green waves. All those negative ions really are potent, I feel rinsed just being here, like the ick inside me is ground free and smooth just like the callouses on my feet in the sand. So. I’m alone and thinking about the future, staring into a prism and trying to understand how things might refract years from now. But that’s just light, I suppose, untrackable, unknowable, though not entirely unplannable? Not sure.
I got the red flag that means go, meaning, chemo-menopause is over. Yay. I won’t be rushing to plant seeds any time soon––the doc says to wait at least two years, and even then think carefully; there is the danger that I won’t be around as long as I might need. He didn’t say those words, but his elipses brimmed with them. Not thinking about that, though. My decisions won’t be based on those fat balls of potential portent but rather on whether I can see myself becoming unselfish and unangry enough to nurture another being with all of my being. Not sure. But it’s nice to probably have the choice again. And now that I have it back, it feels more like a gift than a burden. A possibility that must be handled with care. Not necessarily used, but respected. And so.
I love it here, the ice cream (chocolate Moose Tracks), the empty pouches of Capri Sun glinting in red wagons left outside of taupe houses. The deer that frolic and gather in alarming numbers at dusk right by the paths. That I can hear the ocean even though it’s a few minutes walk away. And my latest discovery, marinated tomato pizza from Michael’s in Ocean Beach. Oh god, it has roasted garlic and they serve it so hot and the tomato juice kind of shoots down your throat in this shocking dizzying moment of complete juicyness. Yum.
Well, back to it. Hope you are all having a happy summer and a good beginning of August. xo
